Ideas for World Domination

me: for the life of me I can't find any 'virtual help someone with their groceries' site on the net!

notme: that sucks

me: virtualchocolate, suuuure...

notme: hmmm..chocolate

me: but no virtual park the car so you don't have to walk in the rain, or virtual grocery assistance...
I see a vast untapped niche market!

notme: that would be pretty sweet

me: /me writes in his notebook.. "Idea #10879 for world domination: Virtual grocery assistance..."

And thus was born my minimeme... Ideas for World Domination.

Ideas for World Domination

• #42: Become an award-winning scientist
  Perhaps I didn't think this one all the way through.. what now?
  • #42.1: Oh right, become an award-winning mad scientist
    Slightly disgruntled doesn't seem to be cutting it

• #1249: Sell off lab equipment and retire to the Bahamas
  Who needs world domination when you can fund the rest of your life and never have to take someone hostage who might have a friend named BondJamesBond.

• #10879: Virtual grocery assistance...
  Once all the women have swooned, the world is mine! Muahahhahahaaaa!

• #10880: Virtual tire pumping services...
  What they don't know is I'm using mind-control gas... muahahahahhahaha

• #10881: Virtual batteries!
  Kids, ask your mommies about that one.

• #10882: Hypnotic cuff-links
  must be worn by someone with a lot of media attention so the links get frequent airtime

• #10883: Llama cheese!
  The Way of the Llama: infiltrating school lunches since 1983.

• #10884: Chocolate voting ballots.
  It motivates voters to come out and vote and there's no danger of dangling chads!

• #10885: Put hot sauce in all ketchup packs in the world.
  Those things are ubiquitous! While everyone's distracted trying to cool their mouths, sneak in the UN & take over

• #10886: License plate holder - My other car is imaginary too!
  Dot the 'i's with phasers set on stun... cause havoc on the world's roads!

• #10887: Hire paparazzi/stalkers as henchmen.
  They already have the training/tools to be great spies. My enemies will fear them being unleashed and will easily capitulate!

• #10888: Develop mind-controlling tomatoes.
  Salsa, Ketchup, Pizza, even Salads... You're all mine!! Muahahahaa!!

• #10889: Create a machine that can administer a Turing Test.
  It legally declares all of my enemies to be machines and therefore inconsequential!

• #10890: A good Virtual Massage site.
  Once everyone's relaxed, virtual geishas attack! (Hmm... Sounds like a Ghost in the Shell story)

• #10891: ***** **** *** **** ****** (this idea has been redacted for national security reasons)
  NOTE: make secret midnight drop-shipments of Sporks to locations around the world to carry this one off.

• #10892: Pay henchmen well with plenty of perks and lots of rest so they are alert and unbribable.
  It's a small price to pay for peace of mind

• #10893: It's so obvious! A ray that converts all alcohol to sleeping potion.
  Bond, I forget, would you like that vodka martini shaken or stirred?

• #10894: Remember to include price of henchmen, scientists, secret lair, supplies, etc in ransom price.
  $1M is not enough. Why do these other evil geniuses live in multi-mullion dollar facilities, with huge payrolls and equipment expenditures then only ask for such a tiny sum?? Go all out! You're not paying for it after all!

• #10895: Hire zombie guards to patrol the dungeon corridors.
  My 'guests' won't want to leave the safety of their cells.

• #10896: New Logo - lots of tiny flying pickles (on a background of a Mayan pyramid)
  Come! Rally to my cause nerds of the 80s! We control the world now! (hint)

• #10897: You know, that whole 'flying monkey' thing might have some merit to it.
  They could start off pretending to be angels/demons to eliminate the gullible first. For the rest of the popuation, the sight of uzi-wielding flying monkeys should do the trick. NOTE TO SELF: Beware of girls from Kansas.

• #10898: Trained gerbils in daisy-print ninja outfits!
  Release by the 1000s in the world's stock exchanges and watch the hilarity ensue. (While my henchmen take my actual targets hostage)

• #10899: Robots!
  I may get to start working here soon!

• #10900: Run some (mad) molecular biology experiments on bologna (remember to register the domain name boloDNA.com)
  They may mock me now, but just wait 'til I've invented the boloDNA-based artificial heart! (Looking at politicians, it appears someone has beaten me to the bologna-based artificial brain.)
• #10901: ...?
  I don't know, but buy some ribbon for the notebook!

• #10902: Realize, I am not an evil expert at everything.
  There's no shame in teaming up with other evil geniuses. Genii? Djinn?

• #10903: 'Persuade' an indie band to be henchmen to do my dirty work and recruit more slave- *cough* followers. Yes, 'Followers'.
  Try @beatnikturtle